Intro – "Comparison is a compass that has lost its way."
Have you ever felt an inexplicable emptiness or anxiety in your heart? You might feel like you’ve worked hard, only to look around and find others who seem to have gone much further than you. On social media, you see someone's perfect day shining brightly, people leisurely playing golf and enjoying their free time, news of a colleague achieving unexpected success at a rapid pace. Someone new got a qualification, another is traveling abroad, and yet another is posting a "successful post-retirement story." Without realizing it, I've found myself sighing, thinking, 'What am I even doing right now? Is this really the right path for me?'
Sometimes, these sights can become a healthy stimulus, pushing me to 'work harder!' However, most of the time, they have been a poison, leading me to criticize myself and shrink back. Even my small achievements, which had felt so fulfilling just a short while ago, began to seem insignificant, and I found myself in a state of deep depression.
But one night, while reading a psychology book, my mind paused at a particular passage.
"Comparison is a compass that has lost its way. Don't unfold another's map; unfold your own."
That phrase resonated deeply with me, as if it was pointing out that comparison, while seemingly telling me where I stood, was actually a poison blurring my 'growth coordinates.'
Our society, knowingly or unknowingly, constantly compels us to compare ourselves. From school grades to careers, salaries, residences, and even hobbies or standards of happiness, we constantly weigh ourselves against others' perceptions and societal norms. But this 'comparison' often becomes a poison that eats away at us, while only 'growth' truly paves the way forward for us. If you, who have diligently persevered through another day, are caught in the same emotional cycle I experienced, I sincerely hope this story brings you a small comfort and renewed courage. Today, we will together explore how to escape the trap of comparison that afflicts us all, and focus solely on 'comparing ourselves to yesterday's self' for true growth.
🧠 Psychological & Neuroscientific Deep Dive into the 'Comparison Trap'
Social Comparison Theory: "Why do we keep comparing ourselves to others?"
Leon Festinger, an American psychologist, proposed the "Social Comparison Theory," stating that humans have an innate desire to compare themselves to others to evaluate their own opinions and abilities. This comparison primarily occurs in two directions:
- Upward Comparison: This is comparing oneself to those who are perceived as more successful or superior. Thoughts like, "They achieved success so quickly, what am I doing?" or "Their life looks perfect, why is mine like this?" are typical. While sometimes it can be a motivator, in most cases, it becomes a devastating poison leading to inferiority complex, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Especially when constantly exposed to only the 'shining moments' of others on social media, one can easily become caught in unrealistic upward comparisons.
- Downward Comparison: This involves comparing oneself to those less fortunate to boost one's own sense of satisfaction. While it might offer temporary comfort, this satisfaction is built upon others' misfortunes, making it unlikely to lead to genuine growth, and at times, it can foster arrogance or conceit.
The problem arises when the direction of comparison does not lead to growth. When upward comparison turns into 'self-loathing' instead of motivation, and downward comparison becomes 'complacency' instead of humility, comparison eats away at our inner well-being. Our brain, in upward comparison situations, tends to focus more on our own perceived shortcomings. This cognitive distortion also affects the dopamine reward system, increasing cortisol levels—a stress hormone—when observing others' achievements, and potentially exacerbating long-term anxiety and depression.
The Brain's Reward System and the Pitfalls of External Validation:
Our brain releases the neurotransmitter dopamine to create a sense of reward for certain behaviors. This reward system plays a crucial role in learning behaviors necessary for survival. The issue is that we can become conditioned to receive dopamine rewards when we gain external validation or achieve superiority through comparison with others.
The temporary pleasure derived from obtaining something better than others can feel like a drug. To seek stronger rewards, we constantly try to align ourselves with external standards, which ultimately leads to an endless cycle of comparison. The brain's prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making, emotional regulation, and goal setting, can suffer impaired function due to chronic comparison and its associated stress. This can overactivate the amygdala, the part of the brain that handles emotional responses, making us more susceptible to anxiety and stress.
Behavioral Science: Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset:
Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck categorized people's mindsets into two main types:
- Fixed Mindset: Individuals with this mindset believe their abilities and intelligence are fixed and unchangeable. They are sensitive to others' evaluations and comparisons, tend to fear failure, and avoid challenges. They often think, "I'm just not good at this," or "No matter what I do, I'll never be like that person."
- Growth Mindset: Individuals with this mindset believe their abilities and intelligence can develop through effort and experience. They view failure as a learning opportunity, embrace challenges, and value persistent effort. They often think, "I can do better with effort," or "I want to be better today than I was yesterday."
Those trapped in comparison tend to fall into a fixed mindset. Conversely, those who focus on growth by comparing themselves to their past selves can achieve continuous development through a growth mindset. Carol Dweck stated, "Someone who focuses on growth, not comparison, accepts even failure as part of learning." Her 'Growth Mindset' theory emphasizes self-evolution rather than competition with others. In other words, prioritizing 'becoming better than yesterday' rather than 'beating others' strengthens the brain's growth circuits and leads to changes in our behavior patterns and increased long-term life satisfaction.
🌱 Practical Tips for 'Comparing Yourself to Yesterday's Self, Not Others'
So, how can we escape the swamp of comparison and focus on our own growth?
Digital Detox: Cleanse your information environment.
Explanation: Social media and online communities are among the most powerful channels that fuel upward comparison. When a continuous stream of others' seemingly perfect, filtered lives floods in, we unconsciously devalue ourselves. Specific Examples:
- Set social media time limits: Use your smartphone's app usage time limit feature to restrict access to social media apps outside specific hours. (e.g., 30 minutes a day, 10 minutes at lunch, 20 minutes in the evening).
- Organize your follows/subscriptions: Unfollow or unsubscribe from accounts that don't inspire or positively motivate you. Don't hesitate if a particular account consistently makes you feel uncomfortable.
- No social media before bed: At least an hour before bedtime, put your smartphone away and replace it with peaceful activities like reading or meditation. This significantly helps with better sleep. Instead of social media comparison, I recommend writing a 'My Change Journal' for 10 minutes a day.
2. Set and record 'your own' growth metrics.
Explanation: It's crucial to set growth goals that are known only to you, not based on external standards. Visually recording the process of achieving these goals will significantly boost your sense of accomplishment and motivation. Specific Examples:
- Set SMART Goals: Create specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound goals. (e.g., "Meditate for 30 minutes every morning," "Write for at least 30 minutes twice a week," "Complete 2 books per month.")
- Growth Logbook: Before going to bed each day, create a small notebook where you record "what you improved today compared to yesterday," "what new things you learned," or "the courage you demonstrated," with a positive perspective. Even small things are fine.
- Utilize Visualization Tools: Create habit trackers, or goal achievement graphs to visually monitor your progress. Enjoy the satisfaction of filling in each small increment.
3. Practice shifting focus by writing a gratitude journal.
Explanation: Comparison makes us focus on what's missing, but gratitude makes us focus on what we have, enriching our hearts. It's a powerful tool that activates positive neural pathways in the brain. Specific Examples:
- Record 3 things you are grateful for daily: Every night, jot down three things you were grateful for that day. They don't have to be grand. Start with small things like, "I drank warm tea today," "I saw a beautiful sunset," or "I received a word of praise."
- Find gratitude 'despite everything': Even in difficult situations, try to find things you can be grateful for 'despite everything.' This helps increase your resilience.
4. Cultivate the power of focusing on the present with mindfulness meditation.
Explanation: When we get caught in comparison, it's often because we're trapped in past regrets or future worries. Mindfulness meditation helps us break free from these cycles of thought by focusing on the present moment. Specific Examples:
- 5-minute breath meditation daily: Sit comfortably in a quiet place, close your eyes, and concentrate solely on your breath for 5 minutes. If other thoughts arise, gently acknowledge them and redirect your attention back to your breath.
- Engage your five senses: During a walk, consciously focus on your five senses – the feeling of your feet on the ground, the touch of the wind, the sounds of birds, etc. – to practice staying in the 'here and now.'
🧭 3-Step Action Training to Stop Comparison
- Awareness (Recognizing Critical Thoughts) — Please refer to 'Mindfulness Respite Series Part 2: Letting Go of Burdening Thoughts, Thoughts are Clouds, I am the Sky' (https://kiheo.tistory.com/129) for metacognition training.
- Ask yourself, "Who am I comparing myself to right now?"
- Comparison is an automatic thought, so 'awareness' is the first step.
- Distancing
- Don't interpret others' achievements as your failures.
- They are merely "athletes running on a different track."
- Reframing
- Whenever a comparison arises, reframe it with, "What can I grow within myself then?"
- This helps restore 'internal locus of control' and reduces stress levels.
Picture: FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and JOMO (Joy Of Missing Out)
These are neologisms referring to contrasting psychological phenomena that occur within social media culture. FOMO signifies 'Fear Of Missing Out,' meaning the anxiety of feeling left behind, while JOMO refers to 'Joy Of Missing Out,' an attitude of enjoying one's own time fully, free from comparison with others.
🙋 Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Q1: Even if I tell myself not to compare, I can't help but look at others. What should I do?
A1: Comparison is actually a natural phenomenon. Humans are social animals and have an instinct to perceive and compare themselves to others. The important thing is to 'acknowledge' such thoughts without judgment when they arise. After recognizing, "Ah, I'm comparing myself again," apply the 3-step metacognition practice: acknowledge, label, and let go. With consistent practice, the time you spend dwelling on comparisons will gradually decrease.
Q2: I actually develop more through comparison. Is that bad?
A2: Comparison certainly has its positive functions. It can be a healthy form of competition or motivation. The key lies in the 'quality of comparison' and 'how it ultimately affects you.' If, after comparing, you feel positive stimulation and develop concrete action plans to 'grow like them,' rather than inferiority or anxiety, then it's a healthy comparison. However, if it leads to self-criticism and drains your energy, it's time to pause and focus on yourself.
Q3: Seeing others' success stories can be 'motivating', but how do I distinguish it from 'comparison'?
A3: When you see others' success stories, try to notice the subtle difference between 'admiration' and 'envy.' 'Admiration' is a positive emotion; it's a yearning to 'become like that too,' serving as a driving force for your own development. In contrast, 'envy' is a negative emotion that leads to resenting others' success and self-criticism. When encountering such stories, try to identify which emotion you feel more, and if envy arises, practice redirecting your attention immediately.
Q4: What if I feel like my efforts aren't making a difference?
A4: This feeling is a common struggle for many. Growth often involves a slow and subtle accumulation of changes, rather than dramatic visible shifts. It's important to use a 'growth logbook' to record even small changes, allowing you to visually affirm your efforts. Sometimes, seeking help from professionals (coaches, therapists) to get objective feedback and a new perspective can also be beneficial. If you're feeling exhausted or burned out, having the courage to take a break and recharge is also essential.
Q5: Growth feels too abstract and vague. What specifically should I do?
A5: That's an excellent question! While having a growth mindset is important, it can indeed feel abstract. Try setting specific and measurable goals, like the 'SMART goals' we discussed. For example, if your goal is "reading and writing," you might specify it as "Read 2 self-development books a month and publish 2 blog posts based on their content." For a workout routine, it could be "Do 30 squats and a 1-minute plank every day." The process of achieving these small, concrete goals itself is the path to growth.
💖 Words for Your Action Practice: "Comparison makes you small, but growth makes you strong."
Your worth cannot be measured by others' standards. Your small courage and effort, taking one step further today than yesterday, is the greatest growth roadmap you can follow. Today, take those 10 minutes you might have spent comparing yourself to others and turn them into 10 minutes of creating a 'better you than yesterday.' That small courage will change your tomorrow.
Conclusion: A Journey for Myself
The emotion of 'comparison' may be an inescapable human instinct. But we can choose whether to be dragged along by that instinct or to forge 'our own path' to protect ourselves and move forward. I sincerely hope that through this article, you can escape the poison of comparison that burdens your heart, and walk your precious path of growth with 'yourself' as your unwavering standard.
What we need to focus on is not perfect results, but the precious effort of discovering a better you in the process. Remember that all your big and small goals are not gained by comparing with others, but are valuable gifts obtained through the process of growing yourself. When you feel exhausted and burned out, don't forget to take a moment to pause and commend yourself for the path you've walked.
(이 글은 "비교의 덫 대신 나만의 성장 로드맵 찾기:내일을 바꾸는 오늘의 작은 용기, 9편. "의 영어버전 글입니다. 원본은 https://kiheo.tistory.com/165 을 참고해주세요.)
🕊9편. 비교의 덫 대신 나만의 성장 로드맵 찾기 (내일을 바꾸는 오늘의 작은 용기 시리즈 )
인트로 — " 비교는 방향을 잃은 나침반이다." 혹시 마음 한구석에 설명할 수 없는 공허함이나 불안감을 느끼신 적 있으신가요? 열심히 달려왔다고 생각했는데, 문득 주변을 돌아보면 저보다 훨
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